Self-Hate, Prayer and Hope

At what point does the self-hate end?

I wrote this in a divorce group i follow on FaceBook…. not sure if anyone will care or even see it here. Thought I’d share. I really need to write more here. The will is there but the time and inspiration is not.

At what point does the self-hate end?

I spent 23 years in a marriage to the love of my life.

I met my ex on a blind date. From day one I was in love. Our courtship went fast… three months to an engagement and a bit over a year to our marriage.

The early years were great…. but maybe too much so. I believed that a marriage could be sustained on love alone. I felt that love alone could get us through anything and always keep us together. When little problems came up, I feel I buried my head. I didn’t face up to “tending my garden”. I didn’t do what should have been done to feed that garden. To give it good strong roots and to make it flourish.

I spent my career in law enforcement. Most of the time was spent as a Homicide Investigator. I started to have more problems with intense and paralyzing anxiety. The pressures of constant death and the investigations into them caused me to want to “tune out”. I turned to drinking more and more. Never at work… but a lot in my free time. Never mean or abusive. I’d pass out….

I feel I drove my wife and family away. I chose the easy route instead of facing my anxiety. For that I hate myself…. for what I did to my wife and kids. How I destroyed a beautiful family out of selfishness.

I still love my ex with every breath… I understand why she had to take the path that was best for her and the kids.

I’ve worked (and will forever be working on) myself. I’ve controled the demons and learned better self care. I’ve made the changes and continue to learn more about myself everyday.

I pray every day that God will touch her heart and allow her to give me another chance… but in the end… she was my lighting bolt…. and lighting almost never strikes the same place twice”