It’s been a stressful few days. Not because of anything someone has said or done to me… it is just “my head”.
I say “just my head” like it’s just a little problem, eh? Maybe self-consciously I want it to be…. I want to ignore my “head”. But when I ignore my head I go deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole that I can’t see my way out of.
I’ve tried to enter into relationships thinking they would be my antidote for feelings in my poisoned head. In the end, they were not. I’ve not taken the time to heal myself. In the end, all I did was run away from good women who did deserved to be treated they way I did to them.. I bailed. I started fires (or at least set them with someone) and walked away so it could burn down the whole place. I am very selfish. I hurt….so I find a relationship that will soothe me…. and it starts to do just that but when it gets too “real”…. THEN I BAIL…. I GET SCARED… I GET OVER-WHELMED... WTF is wrong with me? I look out for me and me only….. pitiful and a coward.
I cannot be in anther relationship and love anyone else until I love myself…. and I am clearly far away from that.
Although I am better than I was, I am still so very far from where I want to be.
I have to walk that path…. alone