Good morning from a hot and muggy Orlando FL. To say Summer in FL is my least favorite season would an understatement. The heat and humidity here is just plain oppressive. I’ve said it before…. living in FL in the Summer is like living inside a dryer with wet towels…
Seems to me that nothing in MY world is “for sure”. I feel like I live in a perpetual state of “maybe”, “I hope so” and “what if”. It’s a feeling that is pervasive. I feel it in my relationships with women I’ve dated, relationships with my family, relationships with my friends, my job…
While I crave stability- I am probably the person who sabotages that very thing for myself. I am a slave to my own self-doubt. I wonder when I took on these shackles and chains? How did I do it and WHY did I do it? Something must have shook me but I’m not sure what. I used to be much more confident of my path. I was in the drivers seat. Now I feel like I am just a passenger on a bus.
Someway and somehow I will regain the control and confidence… nothing good will happen without it.
It’s been a stressful few days. Not because of anything someone has said or done to me… it is just “my head”.
I say “just my head” like it’s just a little problem, eh? Maybe self-consciously I want it to be…. I want to ignore my “head”. But when I ignore my head I go deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole that I can’t see my way out of.
I’ve tried to enter into relationships thinking they would be my antidote for feelings in my poisoned head. In the end, they were not. I’ve not taken the time to heal myself. In the end, all I did was run away from good women who did deserved to be treated they way I did to them.. I bailed. I started fires (or at least set them with someone) and walked away so it could burn down the whole place. I am very selfish. I hurt….so I find a relationship that will soothe me…. and it starts to do just that but when it gets too “real”…. THEN I BAIL…. I GET SCARED… I GET OVER-WHELMED... WTF is wrong with me? I look out for me and me only….. pitiful and a coward.
I cannot be in anther relationship and love anyone else until I love myself…. and I am clearly far away from that.
Although I am better than I was, I am still so very far from where I want to be.