Sunday is upon us. I’ve never subscribed to the whole “Sunday Funday”- thing. Sunday’s for me has always been mourning the end of the weekend and resting up for the coming week. I guess I kinda like to chill on Sundays.
I’ve been thinking (perhaps OVERTHINKING) my role in my failed marriage. As I have said before, I take responsibility for my part (which at times I believe is 100 percent). I feel like Brenda’s actions were reactions to the position I put her in. In that way I can feel like I totally was the whole cause. Maybe I like being the martyr… sick as that sounds. I think maybe if I feel I was the 100 percent cause of the failure, I can 100 percent the person who can put it back together. Maybe? It’s a stupid thought but I think that is it.
One of the things I thought about is how I relinquished some of my masculinity. In some ways I became “wishy-washsy”. I didn’t take charge and be Brenda’s Man. I’m not speaking in the sense I needed to dominate her… but in the sense that I need to assume my role as the man. Make decisions, be supportive, keep my promise to cherish her forever. Little things… like putting up things on the wall were hard for me and eventually Brenda would do them herself. At the time I didn’t really think anything of it. Looking back now I see it as a brick in the wall of failure that was built between us